Well it came totally of of the blue, but it is true... I am now attached!
I can't believe he actually likes me, I am beyond trying to understand it, I am just thrilled and hope it lasts.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
New Boyfriend!
Well it came totally of of the blue, but it is true... I am now attached!
I can't believe he actually likes me, I am beyond trying to understand it, I am just thrilled and hope it lasts.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
My Head
Sorry its been a while, been busy trying to make the month go by faster until I get paid, only 5 days to go.
Seem to have some guys interested at moment, see how they go.
Went out with Dean a few nights ago straight from work to Tri-Beca. We had several bottles of Rosé to celebrate him getting a winter job @ Ticketmaster. Was great to relax but I was totally out of it, and started crying at one point, I think over having my lodger living here.
I don't know if its because of a lack of sleep, or because as mentioned elsewhere on here.... same slippery mental slope returning, but I am becoming increasingly down and paranoid. I feel like people are plotting against me at work, and all the meetings when they speak quietly are to exclude me. I know I am probably being dead silly, but I can't help these feelings. My job means so much to me, I want to get things just right so the business does well, and in the end I will do well too. I don't know what kind of bonus we will get at Xmas, I don't want or need to much, I just want enough to enjoy the festive season and my 26th birthday on 07/01/07. Also need to pay all my bills etc off, about £1,000 does that, but we shall see.
I have my ways of checking things out, so I can calm down somewhat, just need someone to do something on my behalf tomorrow. As for the rest, shopping in my cupboard, a great guy in my arms and cash in the bank will make me happy.
On a lighter note, my Next order arrived, forgot it was coming, so I have a sparkly belt, a slightly sparkly black shirt and some trousers. Hopefully the trousers will double up to match my jacket for work suit - the last trousers were ruined. All on credit so I can afford to pay in installments!
Mwah x
Seem to have some guys interested at moment, see how they go.
Went out with Dean a few nights ago straight from work to Tri-Beca. We had several bottles of Rosé to celebrate him getting a winter job @ Ticketmaster. Was great to relax but I was totally out of it, and started crying at one point, I think over having my lodger living here.
I don't know if its because of a lack of sleep, or because as mentioned elsewhere on here.... same slippery mental slope returning, but I am becoming increasingly down and paranoid. I feel like people are plotting against me at work, and all the meetings when they speak quietly are to exclude me. I know I am probably being dead silly, but I can't help these feelings. My job means so much to me, I want to get things just right so the business does well, and in the end I will do well too. I don't know what kind of bonus we will get at Xmas, I don't want or need to much, I just want enough to enjoy the festive season and my 26th birthday on 07/01/07. Also need to pay all my bills etc off, about £1,000 does that, but we shall see.
I have my ways of checking things out, so I can calm down somewhat, just need someone to do something on my behalf tomorrow. As for the rest, shopping in my cupboard, a great guy in my arms and cash in the bank will make me happy.
On a lighter note, my Next order arrived, forgot it was coming, so I have a sparkly belt, a slightly sparkly black shirt and some trousers. Hopefully the trousers will double up to match my jacket for work suit - the last trousers were ruined. All on credit so I can afford to pay in installments!
Mwah x
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Guaranteed to depress myself
It's looking through pictures of myself 5 years ago, just seems yesterday. The only thing I truely want to change in my life is my weight,
I wanna be that size again! Effort isn't working, really need to push myself.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Can it happen twice?
An outeverywhere.com forum gave me a thought to think about.
Is there such thing as love at first sight?
I voted yes. It has only happened to me once, and this is it.
I first walked into this bar in Grimsby on a Sunday with some odd balls I had met up with, and I just laid my eyes on this tall skinny lad. He was dressed in dark blue denim, had kinda bad hair thinking about it, but he had these eyes and smile. He was kinda ignoring his friends, but they weren't his real friends thinking about that too. I just stared down at him from the top seating area all night til he left. I never got him out of my mind and though we became friends, I couldn't cope not being with him, I tried so hard to be with him or block him out, and then I was so happy when we got together. It self destructed in the end - well he did it really, but I think high emotions, drugs and circumstances in his life caused most of it. My world fell apart, and I think it had a big part in what happened to my life late 2004, but I don't regret a second. Never will.
After all this time, I haven't met anyone as sexually compatible, personality, humour, music, tastes, those eyes, those feelings, that touch... but at least I know when I do feel that again, that the person will be right for me and I am prepared on how to act from past experience.
Either that or I long after the first til I die!
Is there such thing as love at first sight?
I voted yes. It has only happened to me once, and this is it.
I first walked into this bar in Grimsby on a Sunday with some odd balls I had met up with, and I just laid my eyes on this tall skinny lad. He was dressed in dark blue denim, had kinda bad hair thinking about it, but he had these eyes and smile. He was kinda ignoring his friends, but they weren't his real friends thinking about that too. I just stared down at him from the top seating area all night til he left. I never got him out of my mind and though we became friends, I couldn't cope not being with him, I tried so hard to be with him or block him out, and then I was so happy when we got together. It self destructed in the end - well he did it really, but I think high emotions, drugs and circumstances in his life caused most of it. My world fell apart, and I think it had a big part in what happened to my life late 2004, but I don't regret a second. Never will.
After all this time, I haven't met anyone as sexually compatible, personality, humour, music, tastes, those eyes, those feelings, that touch... but at least I know when I do feel that again, that the person will be right for me and I am prepared on how to act from past experience.
Either that or I long after the first til I die!
Re-thinking things
Well how do I explain this... I will try.
I have been thinking about my life in Manchester, my friends, my job and so on. In general I can't complain, but its not all it should be. My brother may come and replace my lodger at the start of next year, so I will be focused in helping him create a stable new life. Then again he may not, and if he doesn't I need to ditch the lodger and move out myself. I may have the chance to go be someone else's lodger, a first for me, which would save me a great deal of money but I am unsure as to if that is certain. At least I see I do have some options, even if they are limited. I need to say a portion of whatever measly bonus I get a Xmas, it may come in handy, who knows I may go for a lower priced unfurnished place, all I am really lacking is a sofa, beds, fridge/freezer and a cooker. The rest I really have. I did have absolutely everything before but I wont go into that. Place would need to be outside city centre but close like I am now, I cant rely on public transport, or want that cost. Maybe I am better staying put.
Also, going on on Friday reminded me of who I am, I DON'T go out and stay out to make others happy, if I don't like someone it is for a good reason. When the people I liked weren't about anymore I felt uncomfortable and trapped. I like my gay bars, I like salt of the earth people, I like people who like my music, who are common and say shocking things, fuck people who don't like what I say or I do, those who tell me I can't manage my money when they have no clue what my life is like, those people who claim to be gay and proud but get bored of the Village and think its fun to go places you would get killed for kissing your man. Integration is bull shit, I am happy living my life in the Village, outside of work none of my friends are female, why should they be, Fag Hags are something you had at college and school when you were the only one grown up enough to know you are gay, I have met thousands of gay men now, and I would be happy if I lived in an all gay world. The only bad thing about the village is the lesbians, who truely turn my stomach, and the drunken straight women, thinking it their God-given right to go there, in our pubs and bars, pushing past us, spilling their drinks on us, hitting us with their unneccessary bags and burning us with their cigarette ash. Some of my friends too, are they just friends because I had no-one in Manchester and I grabbed what I could?
Feeling back to "normal" mentally, all these views and opinions are the ones I felt all the way to 2004, before self destruct. Does this mean I am heading the same way as before, to lose my mind and body to something unstoppable, or am I just picking up where I left off? My values and opinions are what they are. I am happy to be racist, sexist, homophobic against lesbians and so on. They are who I am, too many people claim to love me or like me for who I am here, yet try to tell me I am wrong on things.
Am I doing the same with my men? I am getting back to my oldself men-wise, which I am not ashamed about, I must have had about 7 since I split with Daniel. Some I have just used for sex, others I cared for, though they are stockier than I liked before, am I just making do with such men as I am bigger now myself? I liked stick thin guys, I still do but they don't like me. Sometimes I just feel I deserve better looking blokes?
Work is good I love it, but the pay is a problem. We dont get bonuses now, except at Xmas and GOd knows what that will be, if it is low it will realy mess up my plans and goals. At the moment I am scraping by, my lodger taking the piss for so long has set me back about a grand, but by Xmas and hopefully with a bonus I will be ok and paid up so I can chuck him out if need be. I would just surive. If someone I could stand moved in, my brother or Mr Right, or even both it would be great. Unless I get a payrise though, I won't be going anywhere quick. I may sort my money then try and pay for an I.T. and German qualifications starting next year. One to get better money at what I do, the later do finish what I started many years ago. I will also get one in Estate Agency or similar, and then right at the end I will do Spanish. I can always follow up with the Dutch and Italian after, that should all take me 10 years or so.
So many main points of this
* need more money,
* need to make the effort to make friends through my own means,
* need to get rid of lodger,
* need to stabilise my home life,
* need to find that guy, who is the all-round package,
* & renew my intellect
I have been thinking about my life in Manchester, my friends, my job and so on. In general I can't complain, but its not all it should be. My brother may come and replace my lodger at the start of next year, so I will be focused in helping him create a stable new life. Then again he may not, and if he doesn't I need to ditch the lodger and move out myself. I may have the chance to go be someone else's lodger, a first for me, which would save me a great deal of money but I am unsure as to if that is certain. At least I see I do have some options, even if they are limited. I need to say a portion of whatever measly bonus I get a Xmas, it may come in handy, who knows I may go for a lower priced unfurnished place, all I am really lacking is a sofa, beds, fridge/freezer and a cooker. The rest I really have. I did have absolutely everything before but I wont go into that. Place would need to be outside city centre but close like I am now, I cant rely on public transport, or want that cost. Maybe I am better staying put.
Also, going on on Friday reminded me of who I am, I DON'T go out and stay out to make others happy, if I don't like someone it is for a good reason. When the people I liked weren't about anymore I felt uncomfortable and trapped. I like my gay bars, I like salt of the earth people, I like people who like my music, who are common and say shocking things, fuck people who don't like what I say or I do, those who tell me I can't manage my money when they have no clue what my life is like, those people who claim to be gay and proud but get bored of the Village and think its fun to go places you would get killed for kissing your man. Integration is bull shit, I am happy living my life in the Village, outside of work none of my friends are female, why should they be, Fag Hags are something you had at college and school when you were the only one grown up enough to know you are gay, I have met thousands of gay men now, and I would be happy if I lived in an all gay world. The only bad thing about the village is the lesbians, who truely turn my stomach, and the drunken straight women, thinking it their God-given right to go there, in our pubs and bars, pushing past us, spilling their drinks on us, hitting us with their unneccessary bags and burning us with their cigarette ash. Some of my friends too, are they just friends because I had no-one in Manchester and I grabbed what I could?
Feeling back to "normal" mentally, all these views and opinions are the ones I felt all the way to 2004, before self destruct. Does this mean I am heading the same way as before, to lose my mind and body to something unstoppable, or am I just picking up where I left off? My values and opinions are what they are. I am happy to be racist, sexist, homophobic against lesbians and so on. They are who I am, too many people claim to love me or like me for who I am here, yet try to tell me I am wrong on things.
Am I doing the same with my men? I am getting back to my oldself men-wise, which I am not ashamed about, I must have had about 7 since I split with Daniel. Some I have just used for sex, others I cared for, though they are stockier than I liked before, am I just making do with such men as I am bigger now myself? I liked stick thin guys, I still do but they don't like me. Sometimes I just feel I deserve better looking blokes?
Work is good I love it, but the pay is a problem. We dont get bonuses now, except at Xmas and GOd knows what that will be, if it is low it will realy mess up my plans and goals. At the moment I am scraping by, my lodger taking the piss for so long has set me back about a grand, but by Xmas and hopefully with a bonus I will be ok and paid up so I can chuck him out if need be. I would just surive. If someone I could stand moved in, my brother or Mr Right, or even both it would be great. Unless I get a payrise though, I won't be going anywhere quick. I may sort my money then try and pay for an I.T. and German qualifications starting next year. One to get better money at what I do, the later do finish what I started many years ago. I will also get one in Estate Agency or similar, and then right at the end I will do Spanish. I can always follow up with the Dutch and Italian after, that should all take me 10 years or so.
So many main points of this
* need more money,
* need to make the effort to make friends through my own means,
* need to get rid of lodger,
* need to stabilise my home life,
* need to find that guy, who is the all-round package,
* & renew my intellect
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Catch Up
Trying to remember what I have done now....
Well I took Dean out to San Rocco for his birthday meal and it was fantastic and well worth the money.
Went out straight from work last night, had a laugh for a few hours then it was 4 further hours of hell. If I don't like someone, then I just plain dont! Cant feel any other way no matter how they act towards me now. Its a shame, could have been could friends but I just dont like him.... Ended up coming home feeling ill and my throat still hurts from all those people smoking, bring on the ban!
Well I took Dean out to San Rocco for his birthday meal and it was fantastic and well worth the money.
Went out straight from work last night, had a laugh for a few hours then it was 4 further hours of hell. If I don't like someone, then I just plain dont! Cant feel any other way no matter how they act towards me now. Its a shame, could have been could friends but I just dont like him.... Ended up coming home feeling ill and my throat still hurts from all those people smoking, bring on the ban!
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